Your Value Is Not Conditional

Something that was - and sometimes still is - hard for me to accept: I have inherent value as a human being.

That means my value to this world is not contingent on making money, pleasing other people, or accomplishing anything. I have value just by existing.

And so do you.

This concept is hard for a lot of people to accept, and it's even harder for victims of abuse. Being in a toxic relationship means you are regularly hearing negative things about yourself. I don't need to repeat them because if you know, you know. And we're not about triggering people here.

After I left my abuser, I used a trick to get his voice out of my head: I would imagine Glinda the Good Witch (from the old Wizard of Oz movie) in her pink bubble saying to my ex, "Be gone! You have no power here." It would make me smile, and his voice would leave my head for a time.

But something insidious happened. I stopped hearing his voice, but I continued to hear the words, except now they were in my own voice.

I've named this inner critic Bart. (No, that's not my ex's name, but Bart is just as mean.)

Getting rid of Bart's voice has been a lot harder than getting rid of my ex's.

Here's why this matters:

When you are constantly criticizing yourself, it means you don't think you've done enough to be valued. To be cared for. To be loved.

For me, I feel like if I stop being so critical of myself, I won't be "good enough" for the people I care about. It's a horrible, exhausting way to live.

So I'm working on accepting my value - even when I make mistakes, even when I'm not perfect. It's not always easy, but it's worth the work.

And here's the truth: You don't have to earn your value. You already have it.

If you're working on accepting your inherent value and want support on this journey, check out the Overcoming Trauma Toolkit - 24 emails over 12 months with journal prompts, meditations, and guidance.