Letting go of control in order to regain control

I know this seems like an oxymoron. How can letting go of control actually help you regain control?

The answer is: it depends on what you're trying to control.

We live in a culture of individualism (at least in the United States where I am). "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is a favored phrase when the reality is that it is physically impossible to do! That doesn't keep us from trying, though. What happens when we try to do the impossible and inevitably fail? We generally blame ourselves for not trying hard enough or being good enough. It leads us to believe that we have control over things that have never been within our control.

We only have 24 hours in a day and limited physical, emotional, and intellectual energy to spend. When we waste that energy trying to control things that were never in our control to begin with, we're not using it on the things we actually CAN change.

So what can't we control? Almost everything outside ourselves. We can't control traffic on our way to work. We can't control when the train runs late. We can't control the moods of our teenagers or the barking of the neighbor's dog. We can't control the global economy, stop genocides by ourselves or keep our loved ones from feeling pain. Knowing that doesn't keep us from trying or from screaming into the void in frustration and anger.

Here's what we can control: our actions and our reactions. We can generally control who we spend time with and on. We usually have at least some control over our home environment. If we have a 9 to 5 job, we can't control those hours in a day but we can control how we spend our free time. We can also control when we ask for help - and that's a big one. Despite our culture of individualism, humans are inherently communal. Building a community of support and actually letting them help us when we need it? That's not weakness. That's wisdom.

So here's how we actually regain control:

1. Let go of trying to control what was never yours to control

2. Get clear on what you CAN control: your actions, reactions, time, and who you ask for help

3. Build your plan around those things (and include community support because you can't do this alone)

4. Take action and remember, even small steps count

5. Give yourself grace when it doesn't happen as fast as you'd like

   
   

This isn't about being perfect. It's about being intentional.

Want guidance from someone who's been there and is still walking this path? Book a free Wellness Chat and let's talk about what regaining control could look like for you.