What is emotional abuse? A personal story.

TRIGGER WARNING: This essay contains examples of domestic abuse. Please take care of yourself if this might cause you distress. If you want to talk about how I can help you recover from an abusive relationship, I offer free 30 minute sessions. You can make an appointment here.

I've been struggling to write this because my first attempts were to write a kind of educational blog with statistics and lists and all that high level stuff. But it just wasn't coming together like I wanted it to. So I'm going to write about my own experience and the experiences of other women I've talked to. You can find the more academic papers on emotional abuse all over the internet but they don't give you a sense of what emotional abuse feels like or does to you.

Emotional abuse, at it's core, is about control. It often starts small, with the abuser asking you to give up little parts of your freedom, little parts of yourself. It's cloaked in words of love and care. They just want to take care of you. No one else loves you like they do. No one else truly understands you. That's why they don't want you to talk to certain friends or family members. That's why they don't like you going out alone. They love you. But the truth is, their love is all contingent on control.

In my relationship with my ex-husband, it started early on when we were first dating. I was in law school and he was working in finance. He was visiting one weekend and he asked me, "You don't talk about our relationship with your friends do you?" I wasn't sure where the question came from so I asked him why. He said, "Because what happens between us is private and I don't want my private life discussed with your friends." This conversation was happening while we were close and cuddling on the couch watching TV. It didn't feel threatening, it felt like we were in our own little world and he didn't want anyone to ruin it. But it was the first of many red flags that I didn't recognize.

I can remember nights when we stayed up for hours arguing. I have no idea what we were arguing about. I remember wanting to go to sleep but he wouldn't let me because "you can't go to sleep angry." But he was the one who was angry. I was just tired. So eventually I would just agree with him so I could just get some sleep. Anyone who knew the "real" me knew I never gave up on arguments when I knew I was right. But that was the beginning of questioning my own reality. Was I really as right as I thought I was? Maybe I wasn't because he was just so persuasive. Or I was just so tired ...

In the first couple of years, he was never physically violent. I knew that domestic violence was, well, violence - physical violence. I had no idea that there was such a thing as emotional abuse. The only physical things he did was to throw things - the TV remote, books. He once threw a glass at my head but missed. I had to clean up the mess. I still didn't recognize it because he somehow managed to convince me that it was my fault. I wasn't attentive enough. I forgot to pause the TV when he got up to go to the kitchen. I got myself something to drink and didn't ask him if he wanted anything. I remember telling myself that he just needed someone to love him. That the abuse he suffered as a kid was causing him pain and if I just made sure he knew how much I loved him, if I was attentive enough, didn't forget things, was just better, that would be enough and the anger would stop.

When I was 7 months pregnant with my first child, he managed to get me estranged from my family. It didn't help that my father and step mother were narcissists and were full participants in my estrangement. Both sides demanding that I make the other one apologize. My mother put up with abuse from my husband just to stay close to us during the times he would allow it. He once found out that she sent photos of our daughters to my dad's mother and he cut her out for months. She had to grovel to get back in his good graces. I am forever grateful to her for sticking with us through all that.

Not all emotional abuse looks like what happened to me. Sometimes the abuser enacts the abuse through constantly being the victim, always let down by everyone else. Making sure the entire family caters to his needs because he's just so sad. His emotions are all that matter and if someone else is the center of attention, he just cannot abide it. In other situations, the woman just can't seem to do anything right. The man involves the kids in berating the mom for being lazy or stupid. He has to do everything because she just can't handle life. And so often, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can't do anything right, why try at all? If everyone thinks you'r lazy, I guess you are, right? My ex used to say to me, "I keep telling you the sky is blue but you keep saying it's green." That is the definition of gaslighting. And it made me question my own reality.

Emotional abuse is insidious. It chips away at your self-esteem little by little until you don't really know who you are anymore. You think you know what happened in a certain situation and by the time an argument about it is done, you've been convinced that your own judgment is questionable if not down right wrong. It is very hard to recover from. Emotional abuse changes your brain - it makes you so alert to the emotional state of everyone around you. It feels like there is constant danger if you aren't catering to the needs of other people. I used to get triggered in crowded department stores - what if I'm in someone's way? What if they think I'm putting my things on the conveyer belt too slowly? What if accidentally cut in line and didn't know it but someone gets mad? Crazy, right?

All of this is why I am dedicating myself to helping women recover from abuse. It is hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it how an educated, capable, intelligent person with a good job and plenty of money stayed in an abusive marriage for nearly 15 years. The only people who really understand are people who have been through it. I've been through it and I'm here to help. I'm in the process of updating my website to reflect the new direction of my business. But if you want to know how I can help you, I offer free 30 minute sessions to talk about it. You can make an appointment here. You can regain your self-esteem and sense of self. You can rebuild your life. If you need help, I'm here.

I'm also hosting a workshop on November 5th called Protecting Your Peace: Navigating the Holidays After Abuse. You'll leave this hour long workshop with three personalized non-negotiables for protecting your peace this season—practical anchors you can return to when the pressure mounts and the guilt creeps in. Register here!