On the dangerous myth of the "perfect victim" of domestic violence

Women who are victims of abuse are often silenced by the fear of not being believed.

Trigger warning - this post contains discussion of domestic and sexual violence. If you are being abused and need immediate help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

I was not a perfect victim which is probably why it took me quite a while to realize that I was, in fact, a victim of domestic violence. I was a lawyer and the primary bread winner in the family. To the outside world, I seemed to be in control - of my life, my work and my family. People actually said to me "I bet you wear the pants in the family!" If they only knew the truth ... Knowing that I wasn't the kind of person who looked like she was being abused or would ever allow herself to be abused kept me quiet for far too long. And I know I'm not alone.

During the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial, I felt horrified by the lack of support for Amber Heard - particularly by other women! I tried to avoid the coverage but it was everywhere. And I was reminded of that horror just this morning. Yesterday, several of the victims of Jeffery Epstein, and the powerful men who surrounded him, had a press conference on the front steps of the US Congress. This morning, I came upon a TikTok video of a woman claiming that those women must have been paid "because if they weren't, why didn't they come forward sooner?" The truth is that all but two of the several women who were there DID come forward and were included in the lawsuits against Epstein and others. But their voices were effectively silenced in the massive cover up that ensued. Seeing the way that women who do come forward are treated, it's no wonder that it takes years, sometimes decades, for many to speak publicly about their experience.

Why don't we believe women?

The easy answer to that question is: we live in a patriarchy that protects powerful (mostly white) men. The reality is that it's much more complicated than that and I don't really have a good answer. After all, until 1993, the vast majority of statutes defined rape as "forced sexual intercourse with a woman not the perpetrators wife" - not only did it imply that men couldn't be victims of rape, it specifically meant that wives could not be raped by their husbands. Wives were legally unable to refuse to have sex with their husbands. It wasn't until 2010 that all states in the US allowed "no fault" divorce. Before that, women had to prove infidelity or some other wrong doing by their spouse before they would be ALLOWED to get a divorce. (Note: the current administration is looking to end no fault divorce which will keep women stuck in abusive marriages once again.)

There are also many women who feel safer upholding the patriarchy and enforcing the compliance of other women through shame and disbelief. Why this happens, I'm not sure. I know that for my mom's generation, if you were an unmarried woman, you couldn't own a home or even get a credit card without a man to co-sign. If you were unattractive to men, or challenged them too much, it was like being exiled to the wilderness. Survival for women meant subservience to men. That isn't generally the case anymore but certain religions and cultural norms still enforce that system and breaking out of it is very difficult. So women who are stuck there or, for whatever reason feel comfortable there, can be threatened by women who don't conform. Again, not to blame victims of things beyond their control - but this does real harm to all women.

No more shame

I'm done with allowing shame to keep me silent. The shame belongs with my ex, not with me (although he still doesn't think he did anything wrong, of course). The shame also belongs to the people who refuse to believe women and allow men to get away with abuse and not face any consequences. I have the privilege now to speak out because I'm no longer afraid of my ex. There were literally years after I left and got custody of our kids that I was terrified he would come after me. I am safe - from him at least. But I understand why other women aren't in a position to speak out. Given the atmosphere surrounding women who do speak out, I can understand the fear of doing so.

How I can help ...

I thought I wouldn't be believed because I was not a perfect victim. Now I really don't care who believes me or doesn't. I have built a support system that no one can take away. And that's part of why I am not only surviving - I am thriving. That's what I help other women to do - rebuild their lives and thrive in the aftermath of domestic abuse. If you have, or are currently experiencing, domestic abuse, and would like support, I offer a free 20 minute consultation call to discuss how we can work together. Everything is completely confidential. And I will believe you.